How To Navigate The Holidays Using IFS Parts Mapping: An IFS Therapist's Guide To Getting Through The Holidays Using Internal Family Systems Techniques
Well, we made it to December. Taylor’s not the only one who goes back here all the time, and I’m not sure if it’s just me, but the pressure and intensity of the holiday season seems to compound more and more each year. I’ve noticed holiday-themed items in stores since August, Christmas songs have taken over my Spotify for the last month, and it seems like I can’t walk out the door without adding one more item/ task to the end-of-year to-do list. Woof. It’s a LOT. So what does Internal Family Systems Therapy have to do with holiday stressors? My therapist parts are giddy with excitement to share more.
If you’re new to IFS or “parts” work as it’s sometimes called, you may want to refer back to a previous blog post offering a guide to Internal Family Systems. But, to give you a quick overview, IFS holds that at our core we each have a Self, sometimes referred to as “Self-energy”. When we’re Self-led, we’re presenting with care, compassion, courage, connection, curiosity, clarity, calmness, and creativity. In IFS language, it is known as “the 8 C’s of Self-energy”. The premise in IFS is that this core Self is how we were born, and to cope, adapt, and survive we each have our own inner landscape of subpersonalities, or “parts” who have come in to try to help us. These parts come in with the best of intentions, though they often haven’t quite gotten the update that we’re grown adults, no longer in the circumstances or life situations where they were ‘born’ out of.
For example, you may have a nervous part, whose origin comes from your first experience of public speaking, and getting embarrassed or laughed at by peers as a child in school. That nervous part may show up in adulthood when you’re at a gathering or giving a speech or toast. These parts came in to “help” though they often can be destructive, and that same nervous energy you bring to the speech means you fumble your words and don’t exactly articulate the premise of what you were hoping to say. This part then gets reinforced in its role that you need to be nervous in situations where you’re public speaking. You may then have more reactive parts, in IFS terms called “firefighters” who show up to help cope with the pain of the beliefs that the little one in the classroom developed. Beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “nothing I have to say matters”. To manage that pain, those reactive firefighters may come in the form of excessive drinking at a social function, where you then may find yourself saying more outlandish things, and feeling that embarrassment all over again. Then, the cycle just repeats. These parts which are oftentimes not your current chronological age have you emotionally stuck in the past.
Today, we’re here not for an overview of IFS as a whole, but to give you a tangible tool you can take into your holiday season with you to better identify, learn, and understand your parts.
Cue: Parts Mapping
You can think of mapping your parts as another way to get to know your emotions, what particular triggers or activating situations may be, what parts tend to show up in certain situations, and how your parts may work together in service of you (even if it feels like they’re doing more damage than good). As a gal who loves a good creativity sesh, I love to build my parts map using colored pencils and a blank sheet of paper, or something that visually allows me to externalize what’s happening in my inner world.
How Do I Do It?
The beauty of IFS, is that there’s no “right” way, there may be a perfectionistic part that wants you to get this right, but generally I’m going to give you an overview of how I typically map my parts, some questions I ask of each part, and some ways to integrate this map into my day-to-day life, or in our case– into your holiday season! In general, maybe gather a piece of blank paper, some colored pencils, and yourself!
Step 1: Choose An Obstacle/Challenge You Want More Insight Into
Begin by getting clear on the part or parts you’re wanting to work with. Does a particular holiday tradition cause some of your parts a good bit of angst or agita? Perhaps get clear on what the triggering event or situation may be. Who’s usually present, where are you, what are you doing in this scene? Get still and see if there are certain parts that are coming to mind and coming forward. Try to identify these parts by giving them names, colors, shapes, or any other images that come to mind of what they look or feel like in your system.
Create a visual representation of each part, sitting with it, drawing it using pictures, words, or anything else that may capture that part. Repeat this process, and continue until it feels that you’ve identified most of the key players in your inner world during a given situation or experience during the holiday season. Be mindful of some parts that may be saying this is “useless”, “pointless”, or “boring”. These parts may have some fears about what this exercise may lead to, see if you can get curious with those resistant parts, and ask them to step aside until the activity is complete, and to let you know if it gets to be too much for them. In which case, give yourself permission to take a break or come back to this exercise when there’s more Self-energy present.
Step 2: Identify The Relationships Between Your Present Parts
Reflect on what you’ve drawn so far. Do these parts interact with each other in any way? Draw a visual representation of some of these relationships. Is the part of you that wants to be kind to your mom who’s getting older in conflict with the part of you that has a good deal of unresolved anger toward her? Note that. Depict the relationships between certain parts in a way that feels right to you. I like to depict conflict between my parts as a line made up of back-to-back “Xs” to note that these parts are in conflict. You may also have parts that have formed an alliance. Your defensive part may be working alongside with your anger to protect the little one or “exile” inside who remains injured and burdened with longstanding wounds and beliefs about itself.
Step 3: Get To Know The Parts
Once you have a strong sense of who’s showing up, what their relationship is with one another. Take some time to get to know each part. You may ask things like: What’s your role for me? What are you hoping to accomplish in this role? What are you worried may happen to me if you weren’t doing this job? Try to get to know the parts you’ve depicted as if they’re welcome guests to your inner holiday party who you just want to know a little better.
Step 4: Invite In Some Self-Energy
Reflect on what you’ve drawn so far, and see if you’ve represented Self-energy into your visual map. If not, ask your system if it would feel right to incorporate Self into this image. If Self is allowed in, come back to each part asking how Self may be able to help it in this situation, or if there’s anything that your Self-energy could do to make this challenge or obstacle any easier or better for your parts. Write down what comes up for each part.
Step 5: Check-in and Reflect
At the end of this visual depiction take some time to check-in with each part. Thanking them for what they’ve revealed, and reassuring them that you will check back in in the ways they’ve asked as a certain event or holiday gathering gets closer.
Some Final Thoughts…
Just having this map of my parts can be helpful enough going into a particular holiday gathering, or a stressful week during the holiday season. By knowing who my key players are, and having a better sense of how they show up for me, how they interact, and what I can do to help them has allowed my parts to really trust my Self-energy to lead my system through particular holiday functions and traditions that have been historically quite difficult. By mapping your inner world, you can better navigate your outer world this holiday season. If you’re finding it difficult to get through the holidays alone, TSG’s IFS trained therapists are here to help be your guide!
About The Author
Katie Jacobi is a licensed professional counselor and Level-1 Trained IFS therapist. She’s passionate about helping young adults to better understand themselves, adapt, heal, and ultimately integrate past experiences into a brighter future. Katie works with both individuals and couples. She’s a self-proclaimed “psych nerd” and is constantly learning new skills, and evidence-based practices to help tailor her approach to the individual or individuals in front of her, being able to meet them where they are at. If you’re interested in working with Katie for Internal Family Systems Therapy or traditional counseling, reach out to TSG for a free 15-minute consultation today!
You May Also Like…
Begin IFS Therapy in Washington, DC, and Online in Virginia Today!
The holiday season can stir up a mix of emotions, but with the support of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, you can approach this time of year head-on with greater self-awareness and a sense of calm. At The Sterling Group, we're here to help you navigate the holiday season, create meaningful relationships within yourself, and allow you to enjoy the season to the fullest. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
1. Get in touch with us for a consultation.
2. Meet with one of our IFS therapists.
3. Discover your inner balance with IFS this holiday season.
