Using the 6 F’s of IFS to Heal Over the Holidays
If you’re new here, or new to Internal Family Systems theory, please check out a former blog where TSG and IFS Level I trained therapist, Jess Attas gives the Internal Family Systems 101. Your parts deserve healing this holiday season, and the 6 Fs of IFS therapy can help bring inner peace through an outwardly chaotic time of year. What better gift to give yourself through the holidays?
Holidays Can Be Anything But Neutral
For many of us, the holidays are anything but neutral. This time of year can prompt any number of feelings, the more popular ones being: guilt, shame, grief, joy, sadness, loneliness, fear, compassion, and kindness… just to name a few. This season can elicit memories of the past, both positive and negative, and cause us to reconcile the dissonance between where we are and where we want to be. In Internal Family Systems therapy we refer to these as “parts” or subpersonalities of the inner system. Internal Family Systems operate under the assumption that if we can do the work to heal these inner parts, and struggles within our internal system, our true Self can take over as the leader of our inner world, bringing peace, harmony, and cohesion to our outer one.
To get this holiday “part”y started, I thought it may be helpful to identify some of the many parts that may be present in or around the holiday season, with examples of how they may show up. If any of these parts resonate for you, try to access this part, and use it to guide you through the process of following the 6 F’s of IFS as you begin to bring healing to your inner world.
The Holiday “Part”y Attendees:
Remember this list is not exhaustive, but may give you a sense of some of the parts that may be around your inner system over the holidays.
Grief: can look like missing a family member or loved one who is no longer with us
Anxiety: can look like staying awake at night worried about seeing a family member whom you have a tumultuous relationship with
Impulsive spending: can look like spending more than you’ve allocated for holiday gifts to cope with intense feelings of discomfort
Alcohol/Substance use: can look like drinking or using substances in excess to numb out from difficult circumstances or triggering people
Avoidance/shutting down: can look like hiding or shying away from difficult situations
Guilt: can look like the self-talk surrounding making a decision to stay home, or do something that may disappoint others
Shame: can look like feeling like a bad son, daughter, sister, brother, friend, etc. because you didn’t appease family members or loved ones
Binge eating: can look like eating the whole bag of holiday cookies in secret once everyone is asleep after an argumentative evening with your family
Loneliness: can look like deep feelings of despair and feeling alone even if surrounded by others
These may not be on your particular “menu” of parts over the holidays, but just to give a sense of some of the parts that may require healing and attention this time of year. Next we’ll take a look at how to use the 6 F’s to get to know any part that’s showing up for you this season.
The 6 F’s and How to Use Them:
The 6 F’s provide a clear roadmap in working with a part of your inner system. In the process of trying to bring more Self-leadership to your inner world, the hope is that we can use the 6 F’s to get to know the part that’s taking over, and causing disharmony to your system. While in the presence of people, places, and things that have helped form your parts, the 6 F’s can offer a roadmap to heal during the holidays.
1. ) Fears and Concerns: Address any fears or concerns of working with the part
Are there any concerns or fears about letting us work with the target part? If “not”, you may move forward in working with this part. If “yes” there are concerns, you must address them before moving on.
2. ) Find: Find the part
Find the part you’re engaging with. Where is this part in or around your body? It’s okay if you can’t locate the part, just try to notice that it’s there.
3. ) Focus: Focus in on whatever you’re experiencing
Once you have found the part, in this third F we focus the energy toward that part, and focus on engaging with that part specifically. Ex: Does the guilt around not going to all three family functions show up in your stomach? How does this part feel to you? What’s this part saying or thinking? We’re essentially letting this part know that you are here with it, engaging with it. You can almost imagine yourself having a cup of coffee or tea sitting at a table with this part. You’re focusing on it, and getting to know it.
4. ) Flesh Out: Begin to flesh out the part
The fourth F here is to flesh out this part. You’re continuing to go through these questions: what does it look like, what does it feel like, how is it affecting your system, what feelings are associated with it? You’re painting this part with more granular brush strokes in an effort to get a fuller picture of this part, and how it shows up for you.
5. ) Feel: How do you feel toward this part?
This is a biggie. Next, you’ll want to figure out how you feel toward this part. If there’s an irritable part that is very short-tempered with a parent or sibling, you may not like this part, you may be angry with it when it hijacks your system so abruptly. What we’re looking for when we ask this question “How do you feel toward this part?” involves the 8 C’s of Self-energy, you want to feel enough calmness, curiosity, and compassion toward this target part in order to get to know it a bit better. If there’s anything but these “C” words around, then there’s another part present.
Asking other parts to step aside.
To proceed we need to get permission from this other part to step aside so we can get to better know the part we’re trying to focus on. You can envision this as a third party pulling up a seat at the table for coffee. It’s absolutely okay that it’s there, but we need to ask this part if it’d be willing to step aside, or just hang out at the table for a bit and watch as we get to know the primary part we’re working with. We want to come to the target part from a very Self-led place, it’s much more difficult to get to know two people sitting at the table at once. So you can work to validate the secondary part, let it know you see it, you understand why it’s there, but ask if it can trust you and let it relax back at the table while you get to know this target part you are working with.
If this other part is unwilling to step aside and let you get to know the target part you may need to engage in a few rounds of validating this second part, if this part needs more focus than the primary target part, you may need to redirect the 6 F process to this other part.
6. ) beFriend: Befriend the target part
Once you’ve accessed enough Self-energy you’re going to start communicating with this part and start engaging with this part organically and with curiosity. Here you’re looking to understand what this part’s perceived job is in your system. What is it doing for you? Why is it doing that for you? You can let your curiosity guide the process. Ask the part how old it is? How old does this part think you are?
Oftentimes the part’s age does not match your chronological age, these parts can be frozen in time. The part that binge eats may think you’re still 14, and trying to numb out after a family brawl. Try to update that part and let it know how old you are now, give the part a glimpse of your life. Let it know how things have changed and evolved, and that you’re now the adult in the room who can take care of this part. This can shift a part’s energy quickly when they realize they have the ally of an adult.
The Bonus 7th F: Finally
Once you’ve moved through the process of the 6 F’s with one of your parts, you will often find that this part has gotten relief from just being seen, heard, and understood by you. There are no bad parts, these parts often evolved out of need for survival in a difficult family situation or life circumstance. This holiday season, approach all of your parts with kindness and care, and give these parts the greatest present they could get this year: your presence with them.
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At our Washington DC-based therapy practice, we understand the parts of yourself developed out of protection and help you to reconnect with your true self. With IFS therapy, we can help you to move towards healing and inner balance. That’s why we also offer other therapies to empower you on your journey. Our services include therapy for relationship challenges, therapy for developing identities and self-esteem, depression treatment, therapy for stress & anxiety, as well as executive function support. We also offer couples therapy for those who are looking to grow in their relationships. We would love to chat with you today about the ways we can support your growth at our counseling practice serving the Washington, DC area and Online in Virginia!
