3 Ways to Create a Secure Attachment to Oneself Using a Love Map: Because It’s Really You You’re Looking For
Well… it’s February. Pro: the 308 days that are January have officially passed. Con: Valentine’s Day/ the theme of “love” has become the personality of the month, putting extreme pressure and expectations on those who are in relationships to “get it right”, and drawing attention and awareness toward those who are begrudgingly single. The beauty of today’s post– it’s applicable to everyone! Whether you’re partnered, single, married, divorced, dating, or anywhere in between, fostering a secure attachment to yourself requires a bit of a paradigm shift, and I submit, it’s the key to long-term life and relationship satisfaction.
Attachment Theory 101:
Attachment theory has taken over the mainstream the last decade plus, or so. Through the research of Dr. Mary Ainsworth and Dr. John Bowlby, the work of childhood attachment theory was applied to adult relationships. Attachment theory is founded upon the idea that there is an emotional bond that exists between child and caregiver. That bond is one that’s been built, strengthened, and reinforced over time in terms of how the primary caregiver has shown up for the child. We typically are working with secure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment in adulthood. If we had primary caregivers who were inconsistent with emotions, behaviors, treatment, and attention we will typically see adults who show up in adult relationships with the anxious or avoidant attachment style. Secure attachment being the gold standard in what we’re seeking in a partner, and the partner we’re striving to become.
Attachment theory is an incredible foundation, and allows individuals to glean a good bit of insight as to how they became the way they are in adult relationships. Having the mom who inconsistently showed love and affection turned into the anxiously attached adult who’s constantly waiting to see whether or not he’s going to text you back. It clicks, and it’s helped so many individuals to better understand themselves, and heal toward more healthy and secure bonds. But, what if secure attachment to a partner isn’t all there is? Read on…
The Power of a Secure Inner Attachment
In his groundbreaking book, “You’re The One You’ve Been Waiting For”, Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, suggests that through a Self-leadership, and an individual's ability to heal their inner worlds using the model, that they can become the primary caretakers of themselves, allowing a partner to one day be an amazing secondary caregiver. How do we go back and re-edit rom-coms of the 90s/2000s to give us a different schema on the “you complete me” vibe to “me completes me”. I digress ... .This is a game changer for the individuals I work with, both in relationships and those who are single, when they discover that the path toward self-actualization is not completed somewhere out there, but rather through the healing work and building an emotionally safe relationship with oneself.
While there is not one “right” way to do this, there are many ways in which an individual can help foster and create that secure inner–base with themselves. Today, we’ll look at three of them!
1.Trust Is A Must
When you consider what the key ingredient is in a successful relationship, nine times out of ten you’ll hear an individual say “trust… I need to trust my partner”. The same goes in creating that secure attachment to yourself. Learning to trust yourself is an artform. Self-trust can be built over time, similarly to relationships with others. If you make a commitment to yourself and keep that commitment over an extended period of time, that’s a key agent in building self-trust. Trusting yourself, and your own ability to take care of you is a powerful agent in nurturing that secure inner attachment over time.
2.Compassionate Self-Talk
How would you feel toward a friend who berated, belittled, and invalidated you day after day? Probably not so great. Most individuals have what I call the “inner critic”. The part of themselves that typically beats them into submission to try to complete a task or do something differently. If that voice was doing that job, wouldn’t it be working by now? Most folks don’t know where to begin when it comes to shifting their inner monologue. I often ask individuals, if you were saying this to a preschooler, or a younger niece/nephew/child that you know, how would you say it to them? Would it be, “god you’re such an idiot, why can’t you ever get anything right?”. Or, would it be something more along the lines of, “it’s okay, it can be difficult doing something like that. It’s okay to take your time, or not get it on the first few tries. Considering how you may speak to a little one can help in the process of cultivating that kinder more compassionate inner voice. The more your system trusts that you will meet it with compassion and understanding, the more you will begin to feel a sense of safety inside, your own mortal enemy will no longer be operating as the inner critic between your two ears.
3.Create Your Own Love Map
World renowned couples therapists, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, have several concepts that their research endorses when it comes to happiness in long-term relationships. One of their key tools is called a “love map”, the legend, compass, and key to your partner’s inner and outer world. This tool which is helpful in creating a secure attachment in romantic relationships, can also be an integral tool in creating a secure attachment to oneself. Consider some of the following topics and sub-questions to create your own love map:
Write a story of your own personal life history:
What are some of your earliest memories?
What events shaped your childhood, and some of the moments that were critical to becoming who you are today?
What were some of your family dynamics like?
Who did you go to for support, love, compassion? Did that care look like what you needed?
Describe your likes, dislikes, and things you value:
What do you enjoy doing for fun?
Are there any hobbies you currently enjoy, or are wanting to spend more time cultivating?
How would you spend your ideal Saturday or day off?
What are some of the values you look for in others, and values about yourself that you prioritize above all else?
What are some of your aspirations or greatest hopes for your future?
When you consider goals for the future, what are they?
If you won a lifetime achievement award, what would you want someone to say about you in the speech?
What’s your definition of success?
What does the fulfillment of some of these goals mean to you?
Who and what are your anchors for support?
What are some of the most meaningful relationships in your life?
What about these relationships do you value the most?
What’s your love language for how you prefer to give and receive love?
How do you support or anchor yourself during difficult times?
What are your needs?
How often do you recognize that you’re getting or not getting your needs met?
What are some key indicators for you that there’s an emotional or physical need that’s going unmet?
Do you have any ongoing fears around needs that may have never been met, or that you’ll never meet them?
When you’re dealing with something difficult, what do you do to take care of yourself?
How do you differentiate your needs from one another? What do you do to get clear about how to go about meeting them?
Through creating your own love-map, you can truly get to know YOU, and have a better sense of how to enhance your connection to yourself. This is a key ingredient to creating the strong relationship with oneself that a secure inner attachment requires.
What Now?
If you’ve mastered the three steps above, you’re well on your way to creating a secure inner attachment to yourself. The longest relationship you’ll ever be in is the one you have with yourself, why not make it a great one? If these ideas or concepts feel beyond reach right now, just know you’re not alone. This is not always intuitive work, and therapy can help. Working with a skilled professional to heal trauma, restore hope, and create a life worth living is not always an easy path and certainly not a linear journey. If the idea of creating a secure inner attachment is something that resonates with you, but you have no clue where to begin TSG is here to help!
About the Author
Katie Jacobi is a licensed professional counselor and Level-1 Trained IFS therapist. She’s passionate about helping young adults to better understand themselves, adapt, heal, and ultimately integrate past experiences into a brighter future. Katie works with both individuals and couples. She’s a self-proclaimed “psych nerd” and is constantly learning new skills, and evidence-based practices to help tailor her approach to the individual or individuals in front of her, being able to meet them where they are at. If you’re interested in working with Katie for Internal Family Systems Therapy or traditional counseling, reach out to TSG for a free 15-minute consultation today!
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Strengthen Your Relationship with Yourself!
Building a secure attachment isn’t just about relationships with others—it starts with the relationship you have with yourself. If you often struggle with self-doubt or anxiety, fostering a secure attachment within can be a transformative step toward emotional well-being. At The Sterling Group, our therapists are here to help you navigate self-worth, self-trust, and emotional resilience. Take the first step by reaching out to us:
1. Schedule a consultation via our contact form.
2. Meet with one of our compassionate therapists.
3. Begin your journey toward self-acceptance and trust.
