ADHD in Love: Not Your (Neuro)Typical Relationship
Written By: Sally Charendoff LICSW, LCSW
“You know it bothers me when you leave the kitchen a mess. Why can’t you just load the dishwasher? It’s not that hard!”
“Don’t tell me it’s not that hard, you don’t understand how hard it is for me! Stop treating me like a child!”
“Maybe if you stopped scrolling TikTok and thought about me for two seconds, I wouldn’t have to treat you like a child!”
If you or your partner carries a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder or ADHD, chances are you’ve had some iteration of this exchange. I am a therapist with ADHD and have not only observed this conversation unfold in my office, but I have also had some variation of it with my own neurotypical partner. In honor of February, the month of love, I thought I’d dedicate this blog to my under-stimulated and well-intentioned clients with ADHD and the frustrated partners who love them.
Your Partner With ADHD Might Struggle With Motivation
“ADHD is not a disorder of knowing what to do, it’s a disorder of doing what you know”- Russell Barkley, Ph.D.
Let’s consider the dialogue above and attempt to answer the frustrated neurotypical partner’s question “Why can’t you just load the dishwasher?”.
ADHD has a big impact on motivation and especially our ability to sustain long-term motivation. We know intellectually that cleaning the kitchen will make us feel good and accomplished after. We also know that it will make our neurotypical partners happy…and trust me, we really love it when you’re happy. But here’s the problem: Our brains don’t light up in anticipation of long-term rewards the way neurotypical brains do, which means we must work harder to motivate ourselves to initiate and complete boring and mundane chores than our neurotypical counterparts...a lot harder.
There is Shortage of Dopamine
People with ADHD are very sensitive to their emotions, even emotions that feel good like joy or excitement. This means that when we DO experience a reward we get a big release of dopamine, which then results in a big burst of motivation. After we experience that rewarding feeling, a process called Dopamine Reuptake occurs. That’s when transporter cells take the dopamine back to the synapse so that there are lower levels of dopamine floating around to hit our receptors. Dopamine reuptake occurs FASTER in people with ADHD, which means that the return to baseline results in an immediate drop in motivation. Put simply, the ADHD brain has a shortage of dopamine which plays a big part in motivating our behavior. If the task at hand isn’t stimulating or immediately gratifying, we’re probably going to put off doing it.
Tips for Improving Communication From a Couples & ADHD Therapist
“Drop the shoulds, morality, and comparisons and focus on what will meet your needs”- Ari Truckman Psy.D.
Instead of engaging in a shaming/defensive dance like the one in the dialogue above, try demonstrating your dilemma.
“I don’t want to keep nagging you, but the dishes are piling up and I’m feeling really overwhelmed. What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed, but I’ve got so much on my plate at work I’m just feeling unmotivated and lethargic. What do you want me to do?”
In these examples, the partners are expressing their needs more directly, avoiding blaming language, supporting each other’s agency, and shifting to problem-solving as a team. The partner without ADHD can work on adjusting neurotypical standards of success and find alternative ways to motivate behavior changes without shaming their partners into compliance. The partner with ADHD can develop tools and tricks to increase motivation (dopamine) to complete household tasks and make sure their neurotypical partner’s needs are being considered.
Find Ways to Increase Dopamine if You or Your Partner Have ADHD
Participating in activities that stimulate dopamine can be a great way to lower the barrier of entry to initiating boring and mundane tasks. Working out, listening to energizing music, and putting on a stimulating TV show or podcast, are all activities that can generate dopamine and make accomplishing household tasks a little easier. People with ADHD often have time blindness and tend to overestimate how long a task will take them to complete which leads them to avoid doing it. I recommend that clients break down how long their most dreaded tasks will take them to finish.
Many of my clients with ADHD have learned to find alternative ways to motivate themselves into doing chores such as using shaming language or leaving things until the last minute so they are motivated by fear. This method can work sometimes (it got me through college), but most of the time it just leads to cycles of procrastination and burnout.
A Couples Therapist Can Help With Positive Reinforcement
Partners of people with ADHD may want to keep in mind that their neurodivergent lovers tend to be highly sensitive to criticism and by making them feel like a failure, the more likely they are to avoid or put off doing the task. Positive reinforcement goes a long way! If you and your partner struggle with communication, a couple’s therapist can be a great resource to help you practice skills for more effective conversations.
Get Support Navigating ADHD in Your Relationship With A Couples & ADHD Therapist in Washington DC & Throughout Virginia!
At our therapy practice in Washington DC, we recognize the unique challenges that ADHD can bring to relationships. That is why we are here to support you with either individual ADHD Treatment or Couples Therapy. Embrace the opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner as you navigate the intricacies of love with ADHD. Our experienced couples therapists specialize in improving communication and helping partners to understand each other’s needs.
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