5 Ways to Navigate Jealousy in Your Relationship: A DC Therapist’s Guide to Working on Your Journey with Jealousy
Written By: Emma Cook, LICSW, LCSW
Jealousy. For many people, this word brings up immediate memories, feelings, and beliefs. Maybe you see jealousy as a ‘negative’ emotion that should be avoided at all costs. Or, perhaps you identify as a “jealous person” and own that as part of your identity. For some, it is a sign that their partner or romantic interest really cares for them. Just like all other feelings we grow up learning the “right” way to think about, experience, and handle feelings of jealousy. From these early learnings, we go on to develop a relationship with the feeling and just like any relationship, there is work to be done to improve your relationship with jealousy.
What is Jealousy?
Jealousy is more of an umbrella term that refers to a specific set of emotions that an individual experiences when they perceive that something is being taken from them. Jealousy is exhibited in babies as young as six months old, suggesting that it may have an emotional link to survival. Which makes sense, right? If we perceive that something we hold dear, like love, support, or care, is being taken from us, it’s intuitive that we would feel the need to protect that at all costs. Jealousy can feel intense and strong, leading us to fiercely protect the things we think are being taken from us. While it may mean survival in childhood, this fierce protectiveness can be a stumbling block in adult relationships.
What Does Jealousy Look Like?
Jealousy looks different from person to person. In my practice as a DC therapist, I’ve seen a range of scenarios that can be triggering for clients. But, let’s imagine a somewhat simple, straightforward situation that can activate feelings of jealousy in an individual.
Imagine that you have grown to love the attention that your partner gives you when you are having a one-on-one conversation. They listen intently, give you eye contact, and have something supportive and validating to say in response to your vulnerability. It feels so good. It is a quality they possess that you often brag about to your friends.
When Jealousy is Activated
You and your partner attend a party together and the night starts off great. You are both having fun, laughing, and connecting with old friends. Then you see your partner having a conversation with someone new who you may deem ‘attractive’ or your partner’s ‘type’. You notice your partner is giving this person the same attentiveness, eye contact, and responsiveness that you have grown to love. You notice a bubbling up of emotion that feels … uncomfortable. You don’t have the space or time to pinpoint what exactly those feelings are because they hijack your system that quickly.
Once the feelings hit, your brain takes off. The narrative your brain creates sounds something like this: “They’ve been talking a really long time. It looks like they are really hitting it off, and enjoying the conversation. Oh my god, what if they are flirting with each other? Do they even notice that I’m over here all by myself with no one to talk to? Why aren’t they thinking about me? Why don’t they care about me? I should be the one getting that attention. Do they secretly want to break up with me and they’ve already moved on? I should go over there and stop this. No, they should be the ones coming to me! I’m the one who is upset! I can’t believe they don’t care that this would upset me!! I knew I would find the one flaw in this perfect relationship. Here it is. They don’t actually care about me and want to date someone more attractive, more interesting, and better than me. Ugh, now they are coming over. Act cool.”
What Jealousy Can Spiral Into
With this narrative spiraling in your mind and your body feeling a whole spectrum of emotions you try to act “chill”. This attempt to keep it together and not look like the jealous or possessive partner quickly unravels when your partner asks you how you are doing. Next thing you know, you’re laying into them with all of the weight of your unprocessed jealousy.
“How do you think I’m doing? I just had to watch you flirt with that person over there all night while I sat here alone. I can’t believe you would do something like that!”
“Woah, what are you talking about? I wasn’t flirting with them. We were just talking. I was actually talking about you and how much I wanted you two to meet because I think you have a lot in common.”
“Oh yeah sure, how am I supposed to believe that? I saw how you were looking at them. It was the same way you look at me! I guess you just treat everyone like that and I don’t even mean anything to you.”
….
You can imagine where the rest of that conversation might go. A conversation led by unchecked feelings of jealousy typically leaves both partners feeling hurt, confused, and unsupported. Oftentimes, people feel stuck in the justification of their feelings and don’t get to the healing work of really understanding what these feelings are trying to alert them to. So, what we’re really here for, how do you move forward?
Five Go-To Ways to Navigate Jealousy In Your Relationship:
1. Pay attention to your triggers.
What thoughts, images, scenarios, or memories bring up those intense feelings? Once you understand what triggers you have, you will feel more equipped to care for yourself in the moment when the feeling hits. When you saw your partner listening attentively to that stranger at the party, what emotions were triggered? Anxiety…anger… betrayal…insecurity…shame?
2. Dig in and find the root.
Oftentimes, jealousy alerts you to where there is a lack in yourself or a lack in your relationship. It is easy to assume that jealousy points toward what your partner is doing ‘wrong’ and should stop doing. But that would be stopping at the surface. If you dig a bit deeper, you will find that you perceive a loss of something. What is that something? When you saw your partner actively listening to a stranger, did it feel like you were losing the support and connection you grew to love? And did that loss trigger that familiar feeling of not being lovable or enough?
3. Take Ownership
Find what you can do to address your needs first. Take ownership. Find a possible solution that only you can provide. It could be as simple as reminding yourself that you and your partner already planned to have a special date tomorrow where you both connect and share how you’ve been feeling about your relationship. You have the promise of continued support and connection and the loss you perceived may not be the reality. From there, you might start to engage in the harder work of reminding yourself that you are, in fact, lovable and your partner interacting with new people does not discount that fact.
4. Communicate With Your Partner
Communicate your experience and make requests to further meet your needs. Once you have given yourself the time and space to understand what you are feeling, what your needs are, and how you plan to address those needs. It is then time to connect with your partner and share your experience. Take ownership of your feelings. They didn’t ‘make’ you feel a certain way. When you saw them connecting with someone else, you felt jealous and began to worry that they didn’t care for you anymore. Share what you are doing to address these feelings. Make a request and discuss whether that request is realistic for both you and your partner. Asking for your partner to read your mind and to intuitively know what upsets you is not reasonable. Maybe you both decide that connecting after the party is the way to close out the night and identify what would make you feel more supported when you’re socializing in a group setting.
5. Reframe Your Relationship With Jealousy
Lean into an open, loving perspective about your partner and the situation that doesn’t center your emotions and your insecurities. Once you’ve made it through some of the difficult conversations that jealousy can instigate, you can continue to work on reframing your relationship with jealousy in the long term. One way to do this is to consider how it benefits your partner, yourself, and others for them to make genuine, positive connections with new people. Those amazing qualities that you brag about to your friends, you don’t own those qualities. It is a gift that your partner gets to share with you and whoever they choose. It can be a wonderful thing to see your partner share their great qualities with the world and see other people love your partner as much as you do. It gives space for each of you to be individuals and to come back together with new experiences to share.
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Feelings of jealousy are normal in romantic relationships, it’s how you navigate the intensity of those feelings that really guides how the relationship can develop or disintegrate. If you’re struggling with feelings of jealousy with your partner, relationship therapy can help! Connect with The Sterling Group in DC today to start getting support
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At our Washington DC-based therapy practice, we understand the parts of yourself developed out of protection and help you to reconnect with your true self. That’s why we also offer other therapies to empower you on your journey. Our services include therapy for developing identities and self-esteem, depression treatment, therapy for stress & anxiety, as well as executive function support. We also offer couples therapy for those who are looking to grow in their relationships. We would love to chat with you today about the ways we can support your growth at our counseling practice serving the Washington, DC area and Online in Virginia!
