ADHD and Its Impact On Self-Esteem
Even though most well-meaning teachers, parents, and employers know what ADHD is, it is often misunderstood and punished as if it’s a character flaw rather than a neurological disorder. Something people don’t always realize about ADHD is that it can also have a major impact on a person’s self-esteem. In this blog I will explore why ADHD is so misunderstood and why those of us with ADHD tend to struggle with self-esteem more than the average neurotypical individual.
The “Difficult” Child
A study found that children with ADHD receive on average 20,000 more critical or corrective messages than neurotypical children by the age of 10 (Frye, 2016). Not only are kids with ADHD punished more frequently, but they also tend to be much more sensitive to punishment, and rejection than their neurotypical peers, likely because of their highly sensitive nervous systems.
Many adults, including educators and caregivers, may not fully understand ADHD. This lack of awareness can often lead to a misinterpretation of a child’s behavior, resulting in harsher punishments and labeling that child as “difficult” “unmotivated” or “lazy”. Titles that can often plummet an individual's self-esteem before they’ve even left grade school.
The “Stupid” Child
People with ADHD are often accustomed to being measured by neurotypical standards of success. From the time they’re young, they often internalize the messages that “if we only tried harder, were more organized, less sensitive, paid better attention, controlled our excitement, and weren’t so lazy and distracted we could be better”. As children, they learn that because these things are harder for them, it must mean that they’re stupid. Which they’re not- because ADHD is not an intellectual deficit! Again, this internalization that they are stupid often leaves individuals with ADHD struggling with self-esteem.
The “Adaptive” Child
Many young adults with ADHD have wounded inner children that are terrified of people finding out how stupid or incompetent they really are. So they do their best to adapt to systems that weren’t built for them to succeed- often without having the necessary accommodations that help them reach their full potential and ability. Imagine how that can impact a person’s self-esteem- especially during formative years of development when we’re defining our identities, and constantly comparing ourselves to our peers.
The “Lazy” Child
One of my favorite quotes by ADHD expert Russell Barkley Ph.D. is, “ADHD is not a disorder of knowing what to do. It’s a disorder of doing what you know”.
ADHD has a big impact on motivation and especially on our ability to sustain long-term motivation. We know intellectually that doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen or folding our laundry will make us feel good and accomplished after. But our brains don’t light up in anticipation of long-term rewards the way that neurotypical brains do, which means we have to work harder to motivate ourselves! Often people with ADHD are mislabeled as “lazy” and aren’t taught productive and non-shaming ways to accomplish mundane and boring tasks.
The “Shamed” Child
As a therapist who specializes in working with folks with ADHD I see that many clients have learned to find alternative, maladaptive, ways to motivate themselves into doing things, like shaming themselves into compliance, or leaving things until the last minute so that they are motivated by anxiety and fear. Basically they are using negative thoughts to scare themselves into increasing dopamine levels (which people with ADHD have a shortage of). This method can work sometimes-- it definitely got me through high school and college, but most of the time it’s just going to get clients stuck in cycles of procrastination and burnout.
The “Hopeful” Child
These different manifestations of ADHD all have unique and profound impacts on self-esteem. Better understanding which “child” your ADHD shows up as can help inform how you address self-esteem issues moving forward. One of the reasons I love working with people who have ADHD is that they are often incredibly creative thinkers. Not that my neurotypical clients aren’t, but because of the ADHD dopamine deficiency, their heightened sensitivity, and their tendency to be impulsive, people with ADHD are often highly creative, think outside the box, are risk takers, and tend to be incredibly passionate, hard working, and open to new challenges and ideas.
The link between ADHD and challenges with self-esteem is clear. If you are having trouble managing your ADHD and notice that it’s having an impact on your self-esteem, The Sterling Group’s therapists are here to help you understand how your beautiful brain works and to help you undo self defeating narratives that may be holding you back from reaching your full potential.
About The Author
Sally Charendoff is a licensed clinical social worker who is passionate about working with young adults struggling with a range of concerns like ADHD, anxiety, depression, relationships, and self-esteem. She’s authentic, interactive, and curious in her approach and strives to create a safe and trusting therapeutic space for clients to heal, grow, and integrate lasting changes into their lives. If you’re struggling with the impacts of ADHD on your self-esteem, or a gamut of difficulties relating to young adulthood and transitions, Sally is here to help you create a fulfilling, more balanced, and even a joyful life!
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