3 Types of Boundaries to Set With Your Family and How to Set Them
Written By Michele Chichizola, LGPC
If the home is where the heart is, what do you do to protect that heart when you go home? The answer…
Set boundaries!
Life is filled with transitions that can feel overwhelming, burdensome, or scary. In the chaos, we are typically able to find a few constants. For some, it’s a location. For others, a friend or pet. For many, it’s family. Family, whether assigned at birth or chosen along the road, can be a beautiful grounding source. Family can also be messy and overbearing. Out of the multiple stressful transitions that we experience in life, visiting home can be one of the most difficult (no matter how long or short the visit). Family systems are filled with multiple, dynamic individuals and their personalities that may at times leave you feeling disappointed, helpless, or out of control. What can you do to regain that sense of control?
Again… Boundaries.
Boundaries are a set of limits, regulations, or expectations that are designed to honor your needs and protect your well-being. Boundaries can take many forms. Some boundaries are rigid. They can seem like hard “no’s” that can sometimes make you seem inflexible, detached, or aloof. There are also loose boundaries. These are seen as the “yes person” that’s always available and can leave you feeling overwhelmed, hurt, or burnt out. Healthy boundaries exist somewhere in the middle and are constantly changing to continue to meet your needs.
Setting boundaries can be difficult!
There are many types of boundaries that you can choose to set at home. However, the following three are a great places to start.
1. Time Boundaries:
How much time do you really want to spend with your family? While traveling, you may want to spend time with friends or yourself. If this is important to you, say it! You can say: “It’s really important to me to spend time with you, but I have dinner plans with my friends. Let’s find a time that works for both of us.”
2. Space Boundaries:
Where are you staying when you go home? Are you sharing a space? Does your younger sibling keep trying to join your mental health walk? Maybe the twin-size mattress in your childhood bedroom isn’t the best place for you and your partner, so you may want to consider getting other accommodations. Make sure you think space boundaries through and prioritize creating a space where you can feel comfortable and able to decompress.
3. Conversation Boundaries:
One of the most dreaded places at home can be the dinner table. Why? The conversation. We’ve all been in the situation where a parent, an aunt, or that close friend that you may or may not be related to has asked an inappropriate question or made a comment that left you feeling uncomfortable. Avoid this next time by setting a boundary. Identify a few topics that are off-limits at the dinner table and enforce them! This can look like: “I want to keep the conversation light and fun, so let’s leave work-talk at work.” It can also be something like: “This election is stressful! Let’s leave the debating to the professionals.”
Setting boundaries in action: What does it look like?
Identifying the type of boundaries you want to set is the first step. The next step is putting the plan into action! Setting boundaries is an art and can feel difficult. Try using the following guidelines to help to identify, set, and enforce effective boundaries.
Guidelines for Effective Boundary Setting:
Identify and accept your needs.
Give yourself some time to identify your triggers at home. Think about what has worked in the past and what has not. Make a clear outline of what you want and need.
Be realistic.
Some boundaries may need to be a bit more rigid, however, most require a bit of compromise. Once you’ve identified your wants, think about how your family members might receive the message. It’s important to be realistic and considerate about your expectations.
Practice!
For some of us, disappointing our family can be the worst feeling in the world. However, we are only in control of our own feelings. Practice saying “no!” It’s okay to do this! Get comfortable with the message you want to send- you can do this with the mirror, a friend, or a therapist! A confident delivery will make all the difference.
Have the talk.
Be direct and kind. Remember that setting boundaries is a way to advocate for yourself, your wants, and your needs.
Be consistent.
Setting boundaries is useless if you don’t stick to it. It’s natural for some people to push your boundaries. When this happens, don’t be afraid to repeat yourself and stand your ground.
Boundaries are healthy! For you, and others.
Remember setting boundaries is not about building a fortress of rules around you for protection or drawing a line in the sand that will be trampled over in a matter of seconds. It’s the ongoing practice of honoring yourself through effective and clear communication. Try it on your next trip home and let us know how you feel after!
Ready to Begin Therapy for Boundary Setting in Washington, DC?
Learning to establish healthy boundaries can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to do it alone! One of our therapists will partner with you to develop the skills necessary to confidently exercise boundaries in all areas of your life, personal, professional, and relational. If you’re ready to start working on healthier boundaries, let’s get started with these steps.
Schedule a consultation with us using our contact form.
Meet with one of our skilled therapists.
Start creating boundaries to eliminate burnout and low self-esteem!
Other Services at The Sterling Group
Setting boundaries can bring up past trauma and current anxiety, and our therapists get that. So, we offer a multitude of services to support you. Our individual services include support for relationship challenges, depression, anxiety, and exploring identities as well as executive function support. We also offer couples therapy for those that are looking to grow in their relationships. We would love to chat with you today about the ways we can support your growth at our counseling practice serving the Washington, DC area!
