Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming the Impact of Trauma on Relationships
Written By: Linsi Grose, LICSW, LCSW
Trauma and relationships, each charged topics on their own. But, together they can be overwhelming to even begin to consider. It can also be hard to define what exactly is trauma and what exactly is the impact it has on us as individuals and, taken to the next degree, on our relationships.
“Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” – Peter Levine
Relationships are difficult. But, then let’s add into the mix each person's differing life experiences, beliefs, views, and needs. When we begin a relationship with someone, we don’t often think of their trauma as coming along with them. But, it does. It’s a part of them, just like your trauma may be a part of you. Whether the relationship is romantic, familial, or platonic, relationships are complex. They can bring out the best in us as well as the more difficult parts of us. Gaining a better understanding of what trauma is and how it affects our relationships can help shine a light on the healing that can also occur within healthy relationships.
So, What Is Trauma?
To give an overly simplistic answer to a very complex question, it is first and foremost important to point out that trauma is subjective. Our circumstances or events can contribute to experiencing trauma. However, it is determined by the experience the person had during the event itself. Two people may have shared the same experience and processed it in completely different ways. One contributing factor is the person's reaction during the event. If they felt overwhelmed, helpless, out of control, or fearful then it is more likely to have been traumatic for them. It is also important to note that while trauma can be events that threaten our safety, that may not always be the case.
Trauma can originate from one-time events such as:
A car accident
A sexual assault
Witnessing or being involved in a shooting
Or even the sudden death of a loved one
It can also encompass ongoing systemic or distressing experiences such as racism, bullying, domestic violence, or living in an unsafe environment. Some experiences that may be overlooked when describing trauma could be medical procedures, a significant breakup, substance use disorders, and childbirth. Every individual may respond in different ways to each of the experiences above. These differing responses can contribute to a wide range of outcomes in the aftermath of the traumatic event.
What’s The Impact of Trauma on Relationships?
Some ways trauma may be impacting your relationships could be: (Know this is only a short list and not exhaustive of the many many ways trauma can show up within your romantic and/ or platonic relationships)
You find it difficult to trust and be open with your needs and emotions
You may find yourself thinking everyone is out to hurt you
You're finding yourself questioning anyone's intentions with you
You may find it hard to participate in certain social settings or activities
Everyday activities may increase fear or irritability due to past traumatic experiences.
Feeling on guard or defensive at all times in your relationships
Consistently having negative thoughts about yourself leads to decreased self-esteem or self-worth
Harnessing the criticisms and critiques you receive from others, without acknowledging compliments or acknowledgment of strength
Difficulty engaging in intimate activities with your partner including sex even if this was something you used to enjoy
Struggling to feel safe in vulnerable situations
After experiencing trauma it is common for you to feel detached from the world and your own feelings
Good relationships are the key to healing. - Bruce Perry
You may resonate with some of the examples above and you may not. Everyone’s experience is unique to their specific relationships and situations. The biggest piece to take away is there is healing to be found in healthy relationships. You can learn what it means to feel safe and heard through a healthy connection.
Relationships As An Agent of Healing:
Relational repair is one of many ways to heal from trauma, and there is no one “right” way to go about this. Knowing that healthy relationships can be a source of healing, not hurt, is a major paradigm shift for those who have experienced trauma. Some ways to go about this? Try to surround yourself with people who make you feel seen and heard. Pay attention to how you feel when you are with these folks, and once you leave them. Do you feel calm? Do you feel comfortable? Or, do you leave the interaction feeling drained? Feeling on edge? All this is valuable information for you to begin using in your journey toward healing through healthy relationships.
Take note of the situations where you experience increased feelings of panic, fear, anxiety, or irritability. Does it remind you of a past situation? Do you feel unsafe? Use these questions to guide social interactions, and gauge the relationships that really may help you thrive, rather than just survive.
Asking yourself questions before and after you spend time with others to really have a sense of how these interactions make you feel is a powerful way to sense if there is a capacity to heal through the relationship.
Go gently with yourself.
If you’re completely lost on where to begin, start by identifying what you want in a healthy relationship. What would be non-negotiable for you after you’ve experienced the trauma that you have? What would be something that you would no longer tolerate? Identifying what you’d no longer be willing to accept, and keeping a vigilant lens for these qualities in relationships can be a factor toward bringing healthy relationships into your life. Catharsis through relationships is possible, and a degree of awareness is necessary to begin.
There’s Hope in the Healing….
The number one sentiment I’d hope that folks walk away with after reading this: is that there is hope, healing, and heroism in the capacity to relate to others after experiencing trauma. Trauma does not have to be an endpoint to your desire to connect and experience the multitude of benefits that positive relationships have to offer. If you’re finding yourself struggling to connect and relate to others after trauma, know that you are not alone. There is a path toward recovery.
Begin Relationship Therapy in Washington, DC
Therapy is one of many outlets for relational repair. The therapeutic relationship with a trauma therapist can offer a space for trust, support, compassion, empathy, and understanding to reflect back and serve as an agent of change in recovering from trauma. If you’re struggling with relationships after trauma, reach out to The Sterling Group today. Get connected to one of our amazing trauma-informed therapists by following these simple steps:
Schedule a consult with us by visiting our contact form
Meet with a caring relationship therapist
Start improving the health of your relationship.
Other Services Offered at The Sterling Group
Relationship therapy isn't the only service the team at The Sterling Group offers. Our team also offers other therapies to empower you and your loved ones. Other services include trauma therapy, therapy for developing identities and self-esteem, depression treatment, therapy for stress & anxiety, as well as executive function support. We also offer couples therapy for those who are looking to grow in their relationships. We would love to chat with you today about the ways we can support your growth at our counseling practice serving the Washington, DC area and Online in Virginia!
Please note: these situations all take into account that you are operating within healthy, safe relationships at this point in time. They are not meant for anyone actively experiencing abuse or neglect.
